


Grace

by Lady_Nivian



Category: Daredevil (Comics)
Genre: Gen, Sister Maggie - Freeform, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-08-13 22:07:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7987885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Nivian/pseuds/Lady_Nivian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sister Margaret Grace Murdock's thoughts Post-Season 2. Stream of Consciousness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grace

**Author's Note:**

> What is this, you ask? I honestly have no idea. 
> 
> Fill for the Daredevil Bingo prompt: Grace.

I once heard someone say that there are no mistakes in life, only lessons. Lessons aren’t of much use if you’ve already destroyed your life though. I’ve made mistakes. A lot of them. Some of them I regret, some I don’t. 

My biggest mistake was leaving Jack Murdock. Or maybe it goes back farther than that. Maybe my mistake was marrying him. Doesn’t matter now. I did marry him, and I did leave him. We were happy, the two of us. We were young and optimistic. We thought that if we tried we could get out. If we only tried hard enough. And we shared our optimism with each other. We both had the same objective. That’s probably why we got on so well at the beginning. Why we thought we were meant for one another. We knew what we wanted and we were going to get it. For ourselves and for our children. 

We planned to have children. Two, maybe three. Any more than that and we would risk not being able to provide for our family. But we both wanted to have children. And we wanted to give them a better life than we had had. We wanted to put them in a place where they could make something for themselves. 

And so we worked. Both of us. We worked hard, long hours. And we had our first child. And we were happy and excited. This was the American Dream. The idea that anyone could do anything if they worked at it. It was an optimism held by a lot of people in Hell’s Kitchen. We all thought we could make it if we tried. 

Then it all fell apart on us. We fought. We shouted. We couldn’t seem to make it work and we didn’t know why. We knew that it wouldn’t last. And we didn’t know how to fix it. And so I left him. 

Left him with our only child. His child. I don’t have any claim to Matt now. Haven’t for many years. Most of the sisters don’t even know about Matt. It’s not something I talk about. It’s too painful. Like a weight; always there. Pressing down. Suffocating. 

Jack was a good man. Matt is a better man. And I didn’t have anything to do with that. I thought about coming back when Jack died. Thought about trying to make it right. Trying to help him grow up. But I couldn’t just come back. I couldn’t do that to Matt. How could I possibly step back in and expect him to come with me. To trust me. Most of the time I don’t even trust myself. And he was a scared little boy who didn’t even know I existed. It would be too hard for him. It was better for him to go to St. Agnes’. They took care of him there. Better than I could have. 

I almost did, though. When I first heard about Jack’s murder, I thought I would resurface. Find Matt and take him in. I got close, too. But it would have been unfair to Matt and I couldn’t do it. I told myself that when he got a little older I would find him. When he was old enough to understand.

But the longer I waited, the harder it was. And the more unsure I was about my intentions. Was I doing the right thing? I’ve asked myself that so many times over the years. Was I right to leave him at St. Agnes’? Was I right to stand back on the sidelines where he wouldn’t see me? Sometimes I can convince myself that I was right. Sometimes it’s harder. He should have had someone. I know that. But not me. I would just make another mistake and hurt him more than I already had. 

I was selfish, too. I didn’t want him to know that I had abandoned him. I knew that Jack hadn’t told him about me. He didn’t even know I was still alive. And I didn’t want to have to deal with his reaction. So I kept my distance. Watched from the sidelines. But I did watch him. I was there when he graduated from high school. And college. And law school. 

And I was proud of him. Was I ever proud of that boy. He had done all that he promised his father he would and then some. I knew Jack would be proud of him too. He had taken the American Dream and he had made it work. I don’t know how he did it. Everything was stacked against. But he was stubborn, just like his old man. He was determined to do everything his father had made him promise to do.

He had his own law firm with his partner, Nelson. He was working in Hell’s Kitchen, trying to give back to his home. Trying to give other people a chance like his. 

Then there was the Wilson Fisk case. Just when I thought he was really out. Out of the filth of everything bad in Hell’s Kitchen. And then he was dragged right back into the middle of it. Just like everyone from this city. This city just pulls you in. It grips you tight and never lets go. Sometimes it takes a while. It make you think you’re out. And then it throws it back in your face and laughs at you for thinking you could get away. You can never get away. Never pull yourself out and separate yourself from the city that made you who you are. Because you are the city and the city is in you. 

And of course right after Fisk was the Punisher trial. They called it the Trial of the Century or something like that. Matt was in the middle of that too. And then his law firm fell apart. I don’t even know what happened. Just that his partner left, then his secretary, and now he has nothing to come back to. 

I’ve seen him. I’ve seen him at the church, amongst other places. And I can see what this city has done to him. What this city does to everyone. It drags them down. Always farther and farther down. Just like it did to my Jack. Like it did to me. And now it’s done it to him. And I pray that the city will let him pull himself away again. But I suppose that’s not how this city operates.

And now he has to rebuild what’s been destroyed piece by piece, from the bottom up. And so maybe it’s time that I stepped in. Maybe it’s time I took a little responsibility. Maybe now he’s old enough and wise enough to understand. Now that he knows firsthand what it’s like. What this city is like. 

I know where he is. I know how to find him. I always have. I just have to do it.


End file.
